jeudi 24 mars 2011

Saying goodbye is hard to do

I've had an emotionally draining week this week. Just finished teaching a class and at one point I almost burst into tears (talking about something that triggered a memory for me back home) but luckily I held it together. It's now been over 6 months since I've seen my family and friends. I know that that isn't that long in the scheme of things but given I'm alone here too (ie without a partner or other family) I think I've been pretty tough so far.

Thinking about the rest of my life frightens me a great deal. At the moment I know I'll have to say goodbye to my life here soon and despite all the bad things that happened, in the end I'll only remember the good things and good experiences and all the wonderful people (friends, teachers, students) that I met. I feel extremely sad when I think that one day I'll walk through this school one last time, I'll eat at the cantine one last time, I'll stay in my cute little dorm room (that I've called 'home') at the internat one more time, and that I'll live this cushy holiday-filled life for one more moment...

I know I'll have to say goodbye soon and yet, if I stay on in France or Europe I won't be able to go home for a while so it's doubly sad as I will have to say goodbye to all the friends I made here and I still won't be able to see my old friends and my family back home. And that, is really hard to bare. Plus, I'll have to start all over again. Find accommodation again. Do all that administrative stuff. Find and make new friends. Again.

Definitely, the worst part about being an 'expat' is when you have to leave behind the friends you made. Yeah yeah everyone says they'll stay in contact but when you don't physically live in the same town you can't be with them and do 'stuff' with them anymore.

My heart is very sad. Why do I always have to say goodbye? I just wished I belonged to someone or to something or somewhere and that I'd never have to say goodbye. I got exactly the life I wanted, and now, I'm not so sure I want that anymore... I'm scared. I guess I'm kind of tired of playing the big strong 'I can do everything on my own' tough girl. In the end I'm still just a 'little girl' who's scared shitless and wants her mummy and daddy.


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