How to live and travel as a young, single woman

I thought I'd do a post on this subject as it's something I think about and get asked about a lot.

It seems to me that it's 'taboo' in France (and almost everywhere) to do things alone... especially if you are a young woman. Afterall, you can't be seen in public alone! I mean, what a loser! Of course nobody says this to my face but the looks I get when tell people I travel around France alone, go to restaurants and cinemas alone... well it says a lot more about their insecurity than anything else.

It's true though. If I look around the only people walking about alone are old people. It's even worse in countries like India or Muslim countries though. When would you ever see a woman out walking by herself? It's just not done! Ugh. You have no idea how much that infuriates me.

I guess we're fed stories that as girls, we have to be 'rescued' by our fairytale prince and if he doesn't come along we just sit and wait in our tower in the castle... Pffft! I'd rather die than put my life on hold like that. We're also fed stories that the world is full of 'bad people' so we need to go out with a man or in a group for our own 'safety'.

Once upon a time (like most people I know) I had never lived alone. It's actually not very common for Australians to move out of home when they go to university and I know people in their mid-late 30s with extremely high paying jobs who still live with their parents...er...  Anyway, I just moved straight from Mummy and Daddy's to live with Boyfriend. But now it's been almost 3 years since I've lived alone and sure there are some lonely and boring times but it's been a HUGE learning experience for me. I honestly could not have learnt anything about myself and especially learnt of my capabilities as a person as well as a woman if I had always been one half of a partnership, always relying on someone else and having someone else rely on me. So for what it's worth I have really enjoyed this time to learn about myself and my strengths!

The Turning Point

One particular moment sticks out in my memory. In my apartment (back in Sydney) I had an old shitty fridge that a friend had donated. It worked fine but the freezer section was always frosting over and needed to be defrosted on a regular basis. Let me tell you it was hard work. I distinctly remember my boyfriend helping me (it had now been several months since we broke up) and my now flatmate didn't offer to help so I was stuck doing it alone. It was not a fun task freezing my fingers off and scraping and hacking at the ice and even using a hairdryer to melt it, swearing under my breath, etc etc... It wasn't just the job itself but also the fact that I started feeling sorry for myself that all my friends had nice, big, new fridges as well...I actually broke down and started crying because it was just TOO hard! I mean, how could I possibly cope without a guy around the house? And why is life so unfair?! But I told myself to get it together. It's just a freezer for God's sake! At least I have one. Get over it. It was a huge turning point for me and now no task really scares me anymore. And then over the next few days I went shopping, researched prices, and bought a nice brand new fridge :)

My Friends

I guess having lots of single friends really helps as they're the only ones who can possibly know how you feel and they, like you, are always seeking to go out and do 'stuff'.  I love my coupled-up friends but I rarely ask them to do stuff with me anymore because there is always one reason/excuse or another so usually I just give up. Plus I don't they don't feel the need to go out because there is always someone at home to talk to and to do 'stuff' with!

What I really miss is living in the same suburb as 1-2 of my good girl friends. I can't tell you how great it is that we could walk to each other's place in 10-15 minutes instead of having to go through Sydney's horrific traffic or worry about public transport. We could just invite each other over spontaneously (none of this giving 3-4 weeks' notice like with some of my other friends), eat together, go to the movies, take photos (she is a keen photographer like me), etc... How I miss those days!

Now here at the school although my friends live nearby, they aren't close enough to me to want to do anything with me on a regular basis. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you have a lot of friends and a busy, active social life you never really feel that lonely or bored.  And pretty much every single person I know has a busy, full life. That's just the way it goes.

Going out alone

I used to be a huge Mr Bean and Rowan Atkinson fan. And when I heard he was coming to Sydney for the opening of his new film, the (first) Mr Bean movie, I thought to myself, "I HAVE TO BE THERE." I called up one of my good friends and asked if she wanted to go and she said, "No" so then I decided not to go, afterall, I couldn't possibly go all the way into the city alone. But that was another turning point for me and I remember it well because I really regretted it afterwards. From that point on I decided if I really want to do something and can't find anyone to do it with me or go with me, stuff them! I'll go anyway.

Adult Education classes

Let's take my learning French as an example. Most people would try to drag along a friend to the adult evening classes but not me. I often think that if you drag along a friend you're doing it all for the wrong reasons - ie you just think of it as 'fun' and don't really want to go to learn anything. I see it all the time. these are the people who never come back for the next term. But if you've actually been to any sort of adult evening class you'll find that the majority of people do go alone and noone gives a stuff! I guess I've always been sort of independent like that, even as a teenager.  If I want to do something that's important to me, I'll just do it. I don't need any hand holding (AKA peer support) from a friend.

Restaurants and Cinemas

So back in Sydney I went to restaurants, cafés and the cinema by myself very very often. It didn't even seem weird anymore. I had this one favourite Vietnamese restaurant of mine (that I still salivate over thinking about) that was close to where I lived, had great food, was cheap and the waitresses were super nice. I went there roughly once every two weeks. I remember I'd only just started learning French when I first started going there and would bring my ipod and listen to Michel Thomas and Pimsleur. It was sooooo nice and relaxing to have a nice, hot delicious meal and to do something good for my personal improvement too.

I love the movies but I didn't go to the cinema all that often because it's really expensive in Sydney.  But I try to go when I can here because the cinema in my town is really cheap and nice.

It's probably one of the best things you can do alone because it's all dark so noone can see you and noone cares! I guess for me there is a downside though. If I missed something they said, I have noone to ask, and then after the film I have noone to talk about it to.

Museums

It was only over Christmas when I was in Paris that I realised that museums are a GREAT thing to do by yourself! In fact it's probably better so you can fully absorb and appreciate the artwork.

Reading

Of course there's the old classic. Who needs friends when you have books? ;) Or magazines, or newspapers, or blogs, or anything... I've always loved reading. These days, I read on the internet because I don't have much money to buy extraneous stuff nor any space to store it.

Music

I love love love my music! My ipod is practically glued to my ears. Can you believe I actually forgot to pack it to bring to France? So I had to go without for several weeks until my dad sent it to me in the mail. And then my earphones broke so I had to get new ones and it was hard living without it for so long... The French seem to love their music too as almost everyone I have come across has asked me what sort of music I like and then told me what sort they like, and asked me if I play any instruments etc etc. So it's a good conversation starter as well!

Have a Bath

I don't have a bathtub here and miss it like crazy. One of my favourite things to do in winter was to have a nice long hot bath where I'd almost fall asleep and start meditating because I was that relaxed. And when you live alone you have NO distractions. Noone nagging you about one chore or other or wanting to talk to you about their boring day at work, or having to hear the tv blaring in the background... It's pure bliss and a real treasure to have this quiet 'me' time.

Exercise/Sport

When you have no responsibilities to anyone else and only yourself to answer to, you have all the time in the world to devote to your health and exercise. When I exercise I feel much happier and relaxed afterwards and it's so nice to go for a walk or a jog anywhere... To all those people who say they can't find the time.. if you don't have the time when you are single, you certainly won't find the time later when you have billions of chores to do and kids to look after!

Shopping

I LOVE shopping alone and would choose to do it alone for the rest of my life. I feel anxious when I'm with others and never end up buying anything. I hate feeling rushed and I get impatient with others.

Learn a new skill, Start a new hobby

Now is the perfect time to do that thing you've always wanted to do but put off. For me it was learning another foreign language and to get involved in volunteer/charity work. I accomplished both those things successively in 2009 and 2010 and I felt a lot more fulfilled because of it. I actually wanted to do more but ran out of time. I also wanted to tutor kids after school in English who were refugees from their countries. I think that would have been incredibly rewarding but unfortunately I couldn't coordinate a time/place with the organisers as I lived quite far away from that area. I think most people (myself included I'll admit) spend so long thinking about ourselves that we don't take the time to think about others and how we can help them. I don't want to get to an old age and know that I made absolutely no contribution to the world. As soon as I move to a big city I can't wait to start finding out more about volunteer/charity work again. I cannot describe the amazing feeling you get when you give all your time and expect nothing in return. The thing is though, you receive a LOT in return. Those warm fuzzy feelings.

OK so if doing all those things isn't enough..

Make more friends!

By being alone/single it actually forces you to get out there and meet new people, create new networks and friendships and keep your current friendships strong. All of which are important skills I think. I'm constantly searching for ways to meet new people. Trust me it's hard when you live in a small town and where you can't go anywhere without a car (and you don't have one)...

Here are some websites I recommend:

Look for events in your town:
• Couch Surfing
• Meet Up
• Meet In
• Internations
• On Va Sortir (France/French)

Find a language exchange partner. Learn a foreign language AND make a new friend!
• LiveMocha
• iTalki
• My Happy Planet
• Shared Talk
• Babbel
• Hello Hello
• Lang 8

There are more sites but they are the only ones I've used. It takes a while to find someone with whom you can connect and communicate regularly with but just keep persisting... NB: These are not dating websites although some people seem to think they are!!

Another thing is, if you are invited to go somewhere, go! The more time you spend thinking about it the more the fear develops and then you decide to change your mind and not go. As Nike says: Just Do It. Something that carried over from my Sydney days... I go to pretty much anything I'm invited to because then you increase your prospects of meeting even more people and who knows where that can lead you? I think you have to be more open-minded and allow possibilities to happen. I met both my last exes (one here in France and one in Sydney) because one of my friends invited me to a party at her house. I can honestly say that I did not go because I wanted to meet somebody, but it kind of just happened that way because I was being myself and being happy I guess. Look at it this way. You could meet someone that helps you find a new job, or helps you find a great new apartment or just gives you great advice about a pressing problem, or anything. But you'll never know if you never go.

Even when I was younger I'd been invited to parties where I knew noone other than the host and trust me that is scary as hell but I still did it and met some very nice people because of it.

People usually applaud me when I tell them some of the 'scary' things I've done by putting myself out there... However I don't really think it's such a big deal. It's just that I never had to do that before because I was always one half of a couple. It's quite liberating to be my own person and to know that I'm the only one responsible for my own happiness.


Travelling as a single female

All those scaremongers will have you believe that it's impossible to travel as a single woman, or heck, a single anything but millions of people do it every year. Why the hell not?

Now before I start, I have to say that I grew up with extremely overprotective parents who instilled fear into my head till it got to the point where I was afraid of everything but over the last few years I had to turn it all around. I got sick of them telling me what I was supposed to think. I fully believe in the Law of Attraction in that the more you think about something, the more likely it is going to happen. When I'm out alone (particularly at night) I don't think "OMG I'm going to get mugged and killed!" It's simple really. Just don't think about. It doesn't mean you can't be cautious and wary but don't be so bloody scared about everything.

Now here's a true story for you. I have been mugged 3 times in my life.
The first time was in China. Someone tried to get into my backpack and take my camera out. Luckily I'm highly sensitive and felt it and stopped him and then he just ran away.
The second time was in Paris at an ATM some guy tried to steal my credit card.
The third time was in China again (different place) and someone tried to steal everything I had on me - my handbag with all my money, my video camera, and my normal camera. I wrestled hard for my camera (it was just an instinct) and luckily he only made away with my purse (I say 'lucky' because money is easily replaced but memories from photos/videos are not). I ended up with a bruised and bloody nose because of what happened and I was rather traumatised for a few days afterwards. It was honestly one of my most traumatic experiences ever.

Now I'm not telling you these stories to get sympathy but because I wanted to say that in each of those 3 times I was with someone else.
The first time I was walking alone with my mother, the second time I was with my then boyfriend who only left me for a split second, and the third time I was with both my sister and my then boyfriend who once again left me for a split second.

In each of those times I had some else with/near me and yet, when I travel alone nothing like that has ever happened to me.

Why?

Well I think it's obvious. It's because when I travel alone I know that I'm the only one responsible for my welfare so I'm much more alert and sensible than usual. I'm also a billion times more organised. I know noone is going to rescue me if anything happens to me. And what would I do if something happened anyway? Call my parents in Australia?! So I'm pretty vigilant but I'm not at all paranoid. I believe that if you keep thinking "OMG someone's going to mug me!!" then really you're not going to enjoy your trip much, are you? It's like those people who think, "(insert nationality here) are so rude" and then wonder why when they go to that country the people really are that rude. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I've had so many female friends and my sister question me when I say I did ____ alone. I've read that 'baddies' can smell fear, and they can only attack you if you are weak. I don't go out displaying 'fear' so I don't attract 'baddies'. Then again, I'm not stupid and would not purposely go into some dark dingy alley in a shady area late at night nor have I been to any stereotypically dangerous places but as a single woman I've travelled in cities in: Australia, New Zealand, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Japan, China, Malaysia and Singapore and never had any incidents. In fact I have FAR more incidents when I'm with somebody else!

One really good thing about travelling alone

No fights! How many stories have you heard of couples that broke up because they realised they couldn't get along after spending 24/7 together during their vacation. By travelling alone there are no compromises to be made. You do whatever the heck you want, when you want and how you want. And you can spend as much as you want. No negotiating or arguing. It's GRRRReeeat!

Tips:

1. Tell someone when/where you're going and when you'll be back (just in case).
2. Try to stay as close to the centre of town as possible (you don't want to be stuck in the outer suburbs and have no way of getting back).
3. Do not come back to your room/hotel too late. If I'm alone I usually try to get back at 8-9pm at the latest. I think it's still safe then because there are still a lot of people out. I also turn my back every few minutes to make sure noone is following me. And if I'm in a really dark place at night I never take out my map or camera and I never use my ipod so I can be more aware of my surroundings.
4. Do not stand in the middle of a busy road with your map opened out. What I do is to fold the map so only the most important part is visible, or I simply take a photo of it and look at it through my camera.
5. Do try to dress like the locals. Many tourists tend to stick out like sore thumbs because of the way they dress.
6. Avoid eye contact with strangers.
7. Don't talk to strangers (unless they seem decent of course)
8. Always have your mobile phone with you (and remember to fully charge it up beforehand!)

Disclaimer: I will say though, perhaps it's 'easy' for me because I think I'm a reasonably experienced traveller. I can find my way around places and navigate public transport, understand/speak several languages and here in France it's really pretty safe so I don't have a problem. I wouldn't recommend travelling alone if you've never travelled overseas before as that is daunting enough in itself.

Here are some links for finding a travel partner:
• Trav Buddy
• Mango Tree
• Lonely Planet Thorntree Travel Companions
• Help X
• Travel Chums
• Boots 'n' all Travel Buddies


This whole post was spurred on because I was talking to one of my language exchange partners on Skype (where both of us talked about doing things alone and it's always other people who have a problem with this) and he said: Mais si les gens ont toujours besoin d'être accompagnés, c'est qu'il y a un problème aussi (If people always need to be accompanied, it's also a problem). I have to agree as I know many many people who can't seem to do anything alone (and going to the shopping mall for 2 hours doesn't really count. I'm talking about spending an extended period of time alone or travelling alone). And for me, knowing how to be alone is an important life skill to have. If you can't stand yourself, who else will? Voilà ! Ma vie.

Qualities that make a nice person and a good friend

CV, friends, advice

I think I'm about to go insane with my CV. See, I found this perfect job. I mean my DREAM job. Perfect location. Perfect description. I don't know the salary but as long as it's reasonable, I don't care. And when I read the description I couldn't believe that it just fitted with my experience, like a jigsaw puzzle. And it's for a company I highly respect and have loved for a long time. It's so perfect which is why I'm obsessing about my CV and cover letter being perfect. The due date is in a couple of days but I want to send it off as early as possible. Problem is, I have to rely on Frenchies to help me correct it and of course noone is available exactly when I need them. If it were in English I could've sent it off on Monday or Tuesday already.

But... Just when I'd almost lost hope in humanity (after recent events and feeling kinda shit that people always let me down), my lawyer friend from Paris did a shitload of work on my CV today. I actually didn't expect it to happen. On Monday night we talked on Skype and he said to send it over and he'd have a look and he'd have it to me by Wednesday. On Wednesday night we talked again and he said he didn't have time to look at it yet but he could do it during his lunchtime on Thursday (ie today). I asked if it was possible to have it finished by 6pm today (not getting my hopes up too high or anything).

When 6pm came around and I hadn't received it back yet by email I wasn't surprised, and I wasn't angry, just a little disappointed. However, at around 6:30pm I got his reply. And I was completely blown away. I gave it to him in plain text format, not Word (because I don't have Word on my computer) and he actually put it into Word and not only just pasted it in, but formatted the whole thing for me as well. Then he basically went through the whole thing and practically retyped everything so it made sense in French, but not only that, changed the wording so it sounded more professional. You know, like using 'small' instead of 'little' and things like that. And he's a lawyer and a perfectionist and has an excellent vocabulary. I couldn't have asked a more perfect person to help me correct it.

As if that wasn't enough, he also sent me 2 links to 2 people's resumes online that would help me, as well as his own. Last night he said he couldn't show me his (for what reason, I don't know) so I accepted that but then he obviously changed his mind. It's weird how weird people get with their CVs. I've asked friends to send me their CVs and some will readily send it to me and other people will get funny about it, because it's like soooooooo private? I don't quite get it. All it does is make me think I'm not really their friend but I don't hassle people or anything. I'm just curious more than anything.

And then, as if that wasn't enough, he then spent 2 hours with me tonight going through it again to make sure there are no mistakes (after I made a whole lot of changes and re-sent it to him). And THEN (this is all without me asking for it by the way) he gave me tips on what to say in the interview when they ask me about jobs a, b and c...etc... all the while being extremely positive and encouraging. In fact he told me to aim higher - that I could do anything if I wanted to - which was so nice to hear from a total stranger no less.

Every now and then we both got sidetracked onto other topics we wanted to talk about but we had to get to the mundane task of finishing the freakin' CV. And I didn't even get around to showing him my lettre de motivation which has been so difficult to write in French...  I'm so tempted to just send them the letter in English. This is taking WAY too long.

So I was thinking back to late 2008 when my life started to take a fork in the road. I was sick of getting rejections when it came to applying for jobs so I sought the advice of everyone I knew. I'm talking almost everyone. And I went online and read stuff, and asked random people online, and signed up to various newsletters, blogs and websites about job searching. I bought and read that What Color is your Parachute? book, which wasn't the first time I'd done that. I asked friends who worked for big firms if they could find me job ads in my fields. Etc etc. And shock horror, it actually worked! I was getting lots of interviews. Sometimes 2 in the same week. I became less and less nervous with each one. I was getting somewhere!

But now the thought of doing an interview gives me anxiety and fills my stomach with butterflies all over again (because it's been a while since I've done one and because if I have to do it in French...). It's kind of funny that I give job hunting related advice when I need it myself now!

There's something I've realised and it's not just related to job hunting. It's that... it's so easy to give advice to others, yet it's really hard to take the same advice for yourself. It's easy to tell someone what to do during an interview - smile, be confident yadda yadda yet it's hard for me to actually do that. It's easy for me to give my friends relationship advice when they ask for it, yet I know, deep down, if I were in their shoes it would be really hard to follow my own advice as well. Why is that?

The other thing I wanted to say was... I discovered that if you want career advice ask a man, don't ask a woman. Of course if they are super successful sure... I know this sounds sexists against my own 'kind' but I discovered that the advice I got from men was vastly different to that of women when it comes to careers. It's all to do with our makeup and personality. It's because men know how to talk themselves up and women tend not to do that. Men are overly confident and that's why they tend to get the better jobs (I realise there's a host of other reasons too but that's getting off the point).

Back to my friend.. I realise that 1) I'm far too trusting of people and 2) dating is actually not that different to finding/meeting friends. The only difference is you can only date one person (for the long term) at a time and you become intimate with them. With friends you can have as many as you want, and you never get intimate with them.

So getting back to this lawyer dude and thinking back to all the chats I've had with people on Skype (that I find/meet through language learning websites NOT dating ones*) and thinking about my recent and past dating experiences... there are some conclusions to be made. And I know this is basic stuff for most people but it's something I need to learn to apply (if I don't already).

1. Actions speak louder than words. 
Call it a 'bullshit' detector or what you will.. but I never really believe the credibility of someone through their words alone. They can say anything to you and it won't mean anything unless they back it up with actions. Take for example this other person I was speaking to on Skype. We got along just as well as the lawyer dude and I. Yet when I asked him for help with my CV he said he couldn't do it until the weekend. I do realise that people work, and are busy, and are tired after work etc...  but the response contrasted with the lawyer dude and my other friend was totally different. Plus after, he basically stopped talking to me. No "I've gotta go" or anything like that. The conversation just stopped dead in the tracks after that. OK...
So in a dating sense, this is totally true as well. And it's related to timing too. If someone says they are going to do something by a certain time and don't... well they're not that reliable. 'Don't say it if you don't mean it' is what I think.
The scariest thing is... With my ex (of 5.5 years that I broke up with in 2008) he was totally unreliable when it came to the time. Always late and making excuses etc. The guy I dated after him was better but still not perfect. Then, once I actually made a decision that I wouldn't put up with that sort of behaviour anymore, the next guy I dated (just before I left Sydney for France) was absolutely perfect in this regard. He was ALWAYS punctual, so punctual he made me look bad. And then the same thing happened with my ex (here). Always punctual. Never late. If he was late (even by a few minutes) he'd text to let me know. I couldn't believe that this....powerful thinking... I dunno the technical term for it.... whatever I was doing actually worked.

I kind of really got the shits with certain people here who told me time and time again they would invite me over or do (activity) with me and yet never came through with the goods. Why bother bringing it up if you don't want to do it? Are they waiting for me to call them begging them to invite me over or what? Geez I'm not that desperate! I don't get this French small town mentality and it shits me. OK I lie. At the beginning I didn't understand French protocol (still don't and probably never will) so I did make the first step. I basically had to invite myself. But then I wouldn't get a reply or something would come up (excuses).. or... I'm soooooo over it now. I mean if someone's not going to invite you over after knowing you for 5 months then they never will, right?

2. Consistently displaying nice behaviour.
I had a problem where I thought if someone did 1 or 2 nice things for me, it meant that they were my friend. That's 'proof', right? Nooooooooooo... because then they'd drop off the earth or only TALK about doing stuff but not taking any action. It's the same with dating. If someone is truly into you they will display consistently nice behaviour towards you. No treating you great one day and then ignoring you for weeks on end after or being cold towards you.

3. Offering help without you asking for it. 
With most people I feel like I have to ask for help all the time but a truly nice person and/or good friend will realise you need help and offer it without you even having to ask for it.

4. Giving time. 
A good friend and a good date/partner is someone who gives you their time. It's the most precious commodity. I give time to those I appreciate and who I consider friends and expect the same back. If they don't give me any time it's obvious to me I'm not really a friend of theirs at all.

5. Giving you something/time/help/etc without expecting anything back at all. 
If you can find someone like this they are a rare gem indeed. Sometimes I feel that people want to befriend you only because they want something from you. Then once they get it, they're gone. If someone is truly your friend you want to help them anyway but with others you soon realise if they are just using you. It's so true that when you give, you get back (but only if you don't actually expect to get something back).

I had all these thoughts going through my head when this lawyer guy was helping me with my CV. I mean, seriously, we don't know each other at all. Apart from these last few days (where we didn't talk about much other than my CV) we had only talked ONCE. I realise it took up heaps of time to do what he did. I honestly can't imagine anyone that I know here doing that for me (and to be honest, even if they did, they wouldn't have done as good a job of it because they don't have the education and the vocabulary). All I could think of was - what's going on? Yes I realise there are plenty of nice/good people in the world and my true friends are these kinds of people but I told myself not to get ahead of myself. I am way too trusting. Just because something does something nice for me once... Only time will tell I guess. I admit I feel paranoid because I've been hurt by so-called 'friends'. But for this moment now, he's restored my faith in humanity.

* You would not believe it, but I do on the rare occasion meet people who think that any kind of website where people have a photo and a vague profile is a dating website. Gosh that aggravates me! Is it too much to ask just to talk to someone and to be platonic friends? Seriously. Using a language learning website as a dating service is just plain creepy and stalkerish in my opinion.

I miss my parents

With nothing in particular to do, my normal sleeping and eating habits have gone out the window... I now stay up till 2am and sleep in till 10am. And sometimes I forget to eat. Not so good. Oops.

It only just occurred to me that I really miss my parents.  Pretty much the only people on earth who would do anything for me. The only people that I can truly rely on. The only people who have called me since I moved here (and only a handful of times at that). I also miss their cooking. Gosh I miss a home-cooked meal so much. I also miss their partners (I sort of have 4 parents since my parents got divorced and re-partnered).

I try not to miss people too much as I know I just end up getting upset so after my first expat stint abroad I simply learned to 'turn off' those feelings but after more than 5 months I can no longer do so.

Right now, I have never felt so alone in my life. And I haven't felt so sad since those first few hard weeks here. I feel really disconnected to everyone in my life. Both back at home and here.

I told some friends I was feeling a bit sad (due to x,y,z) and they had the attitude of "But you're having so much fun and travelling all the time, how could you possibly be sad?" which I felt was rather - I'm not even sure what the word I'm looking for is - insensitive?  And then I think to myself why do I even bother trying to get people to understand? They don't need to understand. It doesn't affect them and they can't relate.  I remind myself again that nobody can possibly understand what it's like to live in a 5 sqm 'house' for 5 months in a small town with no car, no close friends or family, nowhere to go and nothing much to do (within the town), and nobody that simply 'gets' you.

Actually that's not true. The staff in this school are mighty sympathetic to me. I get words of sympathy all the time, even from the principal... "It must be so hard to be so far away from your family and friends". And those who have seen my room or have lived in one similar (even for one night) feel EXTREMELY sympathetic. Not that there's anything wrong with the room. It's just tiny. It literally feels like a shoebox. Luckily I'm not claustrophobic. "Have you thought about moving into your own apartment? I don't know how you could live there..."

But their sympathy means nothing to me because I don't want it. I just want their friendship and a bit of their time.

Trust me, I'm not one to be complaining about something when I have control over it and the power to change it. I had thought about moving out right at the beginning when I first arrived but on my salary it would be impossible. And the logistics/legalities of figuring it all out would not be worth the time and effort*. I also thought about buying a car when I first arrived but I don't know how to drive manual transmission and automatic cars are prohibitively more expensive. I even though about getting a bank loan but then I told myself that that would be crazy given here I'd only be here for a few months.

* The French are notorious for their bureaucracy. It took me over 4 months just to get the letter to get my Carte Vitale (French national health care card). I still haven't gotten that card yet and I hope to get it soon! They already take deductions out from my salary each month!

I just want to live in a big city before I go crazy. I never felt like this before because I've never lived in a small city before. I can easily live without a car in a big city with good public transport. And in a big city I can actually be more autonomous and go out and meet people and simply do stuff.

But I will say this. Making friends with French people is hard. It's actually very similar to finding a job. If you wait for them to come to you, it'll never happen. YOU have to make ALL the effort. It gets tiring. I had a similar conversation with the other language assistant here. We were both confused and frustrated and annoyed that we were the 'visitors', the 'guests' yet WE were the ones who had to invite the locals out to do stuff with us. I kid you not, that's how it works here!

All those memories from reading French books come flooding back to me about how hard it is to make friends with the French, and to get into their 'inner circle'. I've come to realise now also that even if someone acts like they are your friend, doesn't mean they think of you as one (to them).

As an example, this is what I've done to try to make friends and meet new people:
• Looked for events on CouchSurfings and various other websites
• Contacted people on CS who live near me
• Re-contacted friends and teachers here
• Put up ads to teach English or to make a language exchange
• Almost joined a art/craft course/class till I realised there was no way I could get home at night and you have to pay for the entire year (which started way back in September)
• Fleeting thought about going to a pub/bar but told myself that is ridiculous and you'll more than likely meet the 'wrong' types of people there plus I am NOT looking for a date and definitely not some middle-aged divorced guy which are the types I see. I'd be happy to go in a group of friends but definitely not alone.
• Went to the local swimming pool (OK so that wasn't for the purpose of meeting anyone but it would've been nice if I had ;) )

There's probably more I could do but seriously? It is nowhere near that hard in a big city. I just find an event and go to it, simple. Other people will go.

Anyway, I stumbled upon this website (on a friend's computer) called Badoo. It's quite popular in Europe but not so much in Anglo countries. I had never heard of it before and I'm on the internet a lot and quite a bit of a geek so... it claims it's a 'social networking' website but after careful investigation I discovered it's actually more like an online dating website. And I refuse to use those now. I have in the past but I haven't used one since 2002. Besides, I'm not looking for a date, just normal people to hang out with. Shame because that site is quite nicely designed, set up and easy to use and the best part about it is you can easily search for people geographically. The site is also in many languages and I read somewhere that you can use it to practice languages (hahaha as if!) I was surprised that I actually found several thousand people (in my age range) in my town alone. Can you imagine? That's like the entire town! I was so tempted to use it but I told myself not to go there. It could only lead to disaster... You never know what people's true intentions are on dating sites.

Back to the topic... I guess 'sad' isn't even the word I'm looking for, I think 'disillusioned' is more appropriate. I had wanted this SO bad (to come to France). I got exactly what I wanted but it wasn't what I expected. And it's the same with people too when you take off those rose-tinted glasses. I like to look for the good in people and places and situations but when I realise the truth it's disheartening. It's not all bad though. It's not bad enough that it makes me want to leave or anything. In fact I definitely don't want to leave. I don't give up that easily. I just have to work harder to make things easier for myself.

but still...

I had no idea it would be this hard.

Facebook Fan Page

I want to share with you some of the billions of photos of taken. However this interface with Blogger is way too slow and frustrating to use (and part of the reason why I haven't uploaded many photos yet). So I decided to make a Facebook Fanpage for the main purpose of dumping my photos in there. It'll be so much easier than uploading them through the interface here (which resizes the photos too - and I don't like that!).

If you happen to like any of my posts, please consider being a Fan either on my Facebook page or just through Google.  Links to both are in the right hand column.

Thanks! :D

Posts to come: my review of macarons in Paris, and my experiences with Couch Surfing thus far.


(image from here).

New Year's Eve 2010/2011

I know I wrote my thoughts on Christmas not so long ago but strangely I didn't end up feeling sad or homesick during Christmas at all... However, last night I felt really homesick for Sydney because of our great fireworks show. Due to the timezone (GMT+10 or GMT+11 in daylight savings time) it's the first major city to experience the new year so it's always in the news.

I felt kinda sad being stuck in a small town with no festivities and I was hoping I'd get invited to something.. but nope, nothing. I was disappointed but not overly sad. I texted my French friends both in town and out of town and wished them a Happy New Year. I got quite a few in return too.

At around 9pm I was getting frustrated that I had nothing planned and nothing to do and noone to spend it with. However, I just told myself it's no big deal. Just a change in a calendar date anyway. I had a really nice NYE last year watching the fireworks from the front yard of my sister's apartment block (which has such a perfect view that there are police and security guards surrounding her street and don't allow anyone but residents and their guests to enter). And you have to get your car in by a certain time before all the streets are closed off to cars too.

There are usually around a million people who watch the fireworks (500,000 on each side of the harbour) and it's a big Sydney ritual. In the past 15 years I have only missed a few. Mostly because I was overseas. The 1999 ones were particularly memorable because of the upcoming 2000 Olympic Games and they had lit up sea creatures floating along the harbour which was delightful. Those that don't watch it for real watch the live telecast on tv or can hear it (+ commentary or soundtrack) on the radio.

I could go on and on (as I've seen so many now) but the main point is that for the first time in ages I felt really really homesick and missed my city and my family and friends, dammit!

I also remember fondly last year on New Year's day I walked around Luna Park with my sister and her boyfriend. It was so much fun and this timely blog post (with its beautiful photos) certainly brought back memories for me! I think I wrote about that "52 suburbs" blog before on here. It certainly makes me appreciate and miss Sydney more!

Since Sydney is 10 hours ahead of France I could see all the Facebook status updates and photos (and later even videos) of the fireworks and festivities.

One of my friends did invite me to spend NYE in Lyon but I was just too tired from all that travelling to do anymore.

I wanted to speak to someone I knew, anyone, through Skype but nobody was online. I got over the fact that I was going to do absolutely nothing for NYE and not even be upset by it but I did not want to spend it alone. I just had to speak to someone! Everyone I knew were either asleep or busy etc... So I decided to find a random stranger to speak to on Skype.

I went to one of the language exchange websites I've used before (italki) and sent out a handful of messages, hoping someone was online. Eventually somebody replied to my request and it turned out to be really good fun (well as much fun as one can have alone in a tiny room with nothing but a computer and an internet connection ;) )

We started 'speaking' at around 9:45pm and then lasted until almost 2am! We could've gone on longer but I really wanted to go to bed. We got along really really well and he was really funny as well. He was alone too on NYE (and didn't think it was a big deal either). We never did a video chat (as I was not in the mood to be 'seen' with my messy hair and in my daggy pjs, etc) but spent ages talking (typing) on Skype. I simultaneously had wordreference.com and google.com opened so I could quickly translate any word he typed that I did not understand. It's really a great way to learn more vocabulary. I offered to talk in English too (for his benefit) but he said he was too tired at that late hour to think in English so I got to practise French heaps!

I was saying to this guy that I wouldn't even know when midnight was (because all the times I have on my computer/watch/phone are different) and that there would be no firecrackers or fireworks here but to my surprise there were some! I could not see them but I could hear them. I already knew the word for fireworks (feu d'artifice) but I also learnt a new word, firecrackers (petards).

Then, I was lying in bed almost asleep when I got a text message at around 2:30am. It was from one of the people I had Couchsurfed with about 2 months ago who wished me a Bonne Année and he said that he'd like to invite me back to his town/place! which was really nice. I didn't actually think he was over-the-top friendly towards me at the time (I mean he was nice but nothing to write home about) so this really surprised me.

I hope you had a lovely NYE wherever you are!


Here are 2 videos from last night's Sydney NYE 2010/2011 fireworks:







(Photo by Sacharules/Flickr)

Facebook

Just a little note about Facebook... a few months ago I started writing some of my status reports in French and then a day or two later, everything automatically changed into French and it totally freaked me out! (FB maybe detected something... I don't know. Maybe it's too smart for it's own good). I hadn't changed any settings but I quickly went to read about how to change it back into English.

And now, I've purposely changed the language setting to French and it really helps! So try it if you dare... (you can easily change it back if it's too scary) ;)

It's really easy to change. The option is in the bottom left hand corner.

My Happy Planet

I'm actually surprised I hadn't found this site MyHappyPlanet before. I was talking to someone I met through LiveMocha and they mentioned that they 'met' some people through MHP so I decided to check out the site. I haven't really gotten into it that much but what I noticed is that on some people's profiles they list their MSN, Skype or Yahoo details so you can add them straight away if you want. This site seems easy to use and it's easy to find people.

I found that with a lot of sites and with some people there was a lot of 'adding' going on but no actual conversing or messaging which was frustrating for me. So when I see someone's details I can cut to the chase. Of course this doesn't guarantee that they will talk to me but...

In less than 24 hours I was already chatting to several people. Last night I stayed up all night (boy am I tired this morning) chatting to 2 people back to back on Skype. By 'chat' I mean video/audio chat, not typing. It was really fun and I must've gotten lucky because both of them were nice and were interested in learning about me, Australia, and English of course, and were patient in teaching me French too.

Some really funny topics came up and I spent a lot of the time laughing. It was so amusing. I wished I could've met them in real life.

I asked the first person how to say 'snorkelling' in French and he told me that such a word didn't really exist. I looked it up in the dictionary and it said 'plongé avec tuba'. He told me that plongée means to dive, and tuba is the actual snorkel piece (ie the noun), but like in English, tuba could also mean the musical instrument. He said you could also say 'j'ai fais du tuba' or 'je nage avec de tuba' or 'j'ai plongé au tuba' or something like that. The phrase just cracked me up!

With the second person, at first I thought he seemed a bit sleazy... I have to go back a bit here and say that during my late high school and university years I spent a lot of time chatting online but over the past 6 years or so I've hardly done it at all. In fact, I got a bit sick of it and only started up recently because of my learning French. I'm usually a bit hesistant to speak to guys because I'm always afraid if they are single they're going to try to chat me up (as happened in the past.. ), or if they are in a relationship their girlfriend/wife might get upset or something.. still, I do find it easier to chat to guys and there are more of them on those language social networking sites.. so anyway, at first I didn't think this guy was that interested in the whole language exchange thing and I thought that after I sent my photo over he would lose interest but nope.. goes to show you that there are a lot of assumptions and prejudices when chatting (typing) to someone online! We soon took the conversation from MSN to Skype and talked for real and it was much much better. He was really nice, and spoke very slowly and clearly so I understood (almost) every word. He did have a girlfriend but I don't think it mattered*. I think I was probably just assuming and imagining and prejudicing (I know that's not a word) a bit too much at the start, due to my past (bad) experiences! I guess I should give people the benefit of the doubt, lesson learnt. :)

Another interesting this is that first person said that the American accent is easier to understand than the British one, but the second person said the opposite! They both said (as everyone does) that the Australian accent sounds British (of course no Australian ever thinks that though.. ;) )

I don't know when I'll talk to either of them again since I only seem to catch people when they have a day off from work... but it was very enjoyable and useful and I learnt not only new words but facts about the French culture and society and even geography (lots of geography)!

My Happy Planet's promo video:



Pretty cool, huh?

* I remember reading somewhere that in France it's far more acceptable for men and women to mingle and be (platonic) friends with one another. I guess it's something I'm not quite used to... yet. Maybe it's just me? Anyway, I'm writing this addendum a few days later and he did tell me that his girlfriend knows he talks to girls online and she doesn't care as she is also learning a foreign language and talking to various people online (and knows that he isn't talking about taboo topics with us!!)

Live Mocha part III

OK, so I've chatted to 6 people now. I almost feel like I'm having multiple affairs where I have to be careful not to get people's details mixed up (ie name, age, profession, city, etc) and trust me, this is so easy to do, especially when I don't even know what they look like since they don't have a proper photo in their avatar...

It's exhausting because I have to either stay up around midnight or later, or get up really early to catch anyone online but it's so much fun so it doesn't matter.

Even though the personalities are so different, it seems the same topics keep coming up.. I guess it's the same for any interaction between two strangers, either online or in real life. We inevitably talk about: our city - where we live, who we live with, our jobs - what we do, do we like it, what hours do we work, travelling - do we like to travel, where have we been etc..

I've come across a huge broad spectrum of jobs and I don't know if the French stereotype is true or not (about being on holidays or strikes all the time, and flexible working conditions) but I almost laugh when I think back and realise I've encountered: 1) someone who got a week's vacation for seemingly no apparent reason, 2) someone who's on a 2-3 day strike, 3) someone with slightly unusual working hours (1-9pm), 4) someone who's not on vacation at the moment but wishes they were...

We've also talked about job satisfaction, and one's passion...

From personal experience I do think that country people tend to be nicer than the city (Paris) people.. I know this is a huge generalisation but having lived in big cities all my life I think it's fairly accurate. Some people have been so mega polite and sweet it's unbelievable and 1 or 2.. well they aren't exactly rude, but in comparison to the others just seem so... city-like. One person even commented to me he didn't like Parisiens because they seemed so stressé all the time.

I'm learning some useful expressions too.. and beginning to see some of them turn up more than once.. like the strange Quand même which seems to mean "Really!" or "...anyway" when used at the end of a sentence.

I read somewhere that French people don't like to greet each other the same way, and don't like to use the same word twice in a sentence. This has happened to me many times whereby if I said, "Salut" they would say "Bonjour" and if I said "Bonjour" they would say "Salut". Since I'm only talking to people around the same age as me, and since the internet is not exactly a formal situation, we always use the tu form with each other. The first time I didn't know which form to use (tu or vous) and just waited till the other person initiated but I read somewhere that it's common for people on the internet to just use tu with each other (especially with younger people), even though they are obviously strangers.

With one person we've only ever 'spoken' in English, and with another only in French but with the others it's a bit of half and half. I try to use French where possible but when it's taking me way too long to think out the sentence I just use English. I'm a very fast typer (we're talking more than 100wpm) and it's really challenging when my fingers can move this fast and my brain is struggling to keep up. So many times I've pressed *enter* and seen all my grammatical and spelling errors on the screen tout de suite.. but I guess it's the only way to learn. If I ask them, they usually correct it for me too which is good, it's a great way to learn and remember what not to do! Admittedly I spend more time chatting than language learning but the good thing about the chats is that I can save them and re-read them later. I can re-read what they've written and pick up useful expressions or little bits of grammar or vocabulary here and there.

This TV5 video explains quand même, but the explanation is all in French.

More Livemocha-ing

So last night, or this morning rather, I stayed up till almost 1am chatting with someone on LiveMocha. I've been starting to think my thoughts in my head in French and I wanted to say, "I wish I was there already" (meaning Paris). I tried various combinations of different words, different tenses, typed the phrase into the Google and couldn't find anything. I was ready to pull my hair out!

I remembered that a lot of ESL speakers I know get "wish" and "hope" mixed up so instead of "Je souhait..." I tried "J'espère..." which seemed to turn up more search results. I wanted to use "y" for there (assuming I had mentioned already the place name).. anyway, so I came up with "J'espère que j'y ai déjà été" since various parts of the phrase existed in Google, just not the sentence as a whole. I really wanted to know how to say this seemingly simple sentence so I hopped onto LM to see if anyone I knew was online...

Now, I should mention that Australia (well, Sydney) is 8 hours ahead of France which is a bit of a nightmare for me as I inevitably end up staying up till 1am or getting up at 6am if I want to chat to anybody. When the time is mutually agreeable for both of us (eg. 8pm for me and 12pm noon for them) it's still hard for me to 'catch' anyone because most people are at work or having lunch then (and/or afterwards) or busy doing other things.

So it happens that 2 of my 'friends' were online. Now, I've never really used the chat feature on LM. I don't like the interface and as I said, I don't usually 'catch' people and I'm never sure if I am bothering people since I prefer long chats rather than a "Hi bye" sort of encounter. So I messaged one of them and we ended up talking for one hour! I could've talked longer but it was way past my bedtime. It turns out that we're a similar age and work in the same profession. I didn't know this before. It also turns out that both our ethnic backgrounds/heritage are not the same as the one we were brought up on (ie our parents were not born in the same country as us).

So apart from him helping me out with this sentence - which* - I didn't end up practising or using much French at all. His English was really good so we just typed in English and since we're both fast typers, the conversation flowed very easily (as I have found in the past, if people aren't fast typers, the conversation tends to stall and for me, it can get boring).

He told me that he didn't know any English 3 years ago and learnt it from watching films, tv shows and cartoons and memorising lines! Unlike most people (including myself) who think in their own language and translate in their head, he says he doesn't really know how to construct sentences from scratch and somehow just 'picked up' the grammar from watching these shows over and over again and memorising the lines. I'd heard of this with other people but never really thought I'd 'meet' someone who'd learnt a language through this method before.

I found out lots of interesting things about him, and also about Paris (where he lives). So even though I didn't learn much in terms of the language I certainly learnt more about the culture and society in which he lives, and in which I hope to live someday... really soon!

* in case you were wondering, is "J'espère déjà y être" (there are some sentences you can't translate word for word!) (which means "I hope to already be there") or "Je suis impatient d'y aller" and I'm sure you can figure out the meaning of that sentence, with even just basic/beginner French!

12 weeks of learning French

12 weeks! Gosh, I'm almost at the 3 month mark too now, almost a milestone. I think I did quite a lot this week plus I started FSI. With FSI I'm going to use it as my Pimsleur substitute as an audio-only program. You mostly only have to read the text in the first part of each lesson (1.1, 2.1, 3.1, etc). The rest I use as an audio 'test' where I have to fill in the blanks before the second person. Before I figured this, I was just reading along with the text in the PDF (which wasn't really all that helpful, except maybe for pronunciation). Now that I realised I don't need to look at the text, I can actually use my brain to figure out the patterns in the drills and come up with the answers myself!

I am also doing 2 Assimil lessons per day because I want to progress as fast as I can. Pimsleur started teaching the past tense which was a little scary and I started hearing words and phrases that I had no idea how to spell, including

"J'ai été élevé..." which means "I grew up in (a place)". I googled various possibilities and I didn't know what they were saying. I thought it was 'était' and 'alaver' or 'elaver' or 'laver' in the end I had to ask!

So far I have:

• Done up to the end of Pimsleur French - Level III Lesson 10 (70 of 90 lessons)
• Done up to the end of Coffee Break French - Lesson 30 (of 66 lessons)
• Done up to the end of Assimil - Lesson 41 (of 113 lessons)
• Done up to the end of French in Action - Lesson 10 (of 52 lessons)
• Done up to the end of FSI - Lesson 11 (tape 2.5) (of 189 lessons)

Oh and also... I have been speaking and typing to a real life French guy I 'met' through LiveMocha. I even had a Skype video conversation which was pretty embarrassing because I was so nervous and so slow at talking so now I just prefer to type to him. LiveMocha is awesome as now I have my 'team' of teachers who correct my work and that I know do a good job. I've even had some write (all in fluent French) great slabs of grammar notes and pronunciation tips for me! Hahaha. I've been learning so much from doing the written exercises on there.. so I recommend you give it a shot.

And after trying to come to grips with that nasty passé composé I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere. Yay! I re-read Le Chat au Chapeau and actually understand it a lot better now.

LiveMocha rocks

So I've been a member of Live Mocha for a while now... Admittedly, I don't think their lessons are that great. I believe they are based on the method of teaching that Rosetta stone uses (and for me, I don't find it that effective at all) but it's great having native-speakers correct your work (written and oral). I like learning from my mistakes and seeing where I'm going wrong. I still make quite a few mistakes when I am writing even very simple sentences but I am pleased to say I am now getting 5 stars for my reading/pronunciation. Woohoo!

I also 'teach' quite a bit on LiveMocha. By teach I mean correct other people's English. I've learnt a few languages and what I notice is that people tend to read/pronounce letters/words exactly the same as in their own language, when they shouldn't. I think you have to 'forget' everything you ever learnt in your own language when learning a new one. If you get stuck and hung up on it, you'll never learn the new pronunciations. Also it's interesting that for a native speaker, they know how to pronounce words but they don't always know how to spell them (and have to guess a lot of the time) but for an ESL learner, it's the other way around. Usually they know how to spell the word but they don't have a clue how to read/pronounce it, and have to guess.

I notice that non-native English speakers have a lot of trouble with the schwa sound which exists in almost every single world. They also have trouble with stress on certain syllables but can you blame them? English is really hard to read when you think about it as there doesn't seem to be any rules. The same letter is pronounced differently almost all the time! I also noticed the same mistakes come up time and time again like 'woman' and 'women' being pronounced exactly the same.

I guess for me, I'm obsessed with having accurate pronunciation so I listen to French all the time. Of course I listen to Pimsleur and other learning devices regularly, but also French radio, pop songs, random clips I find on YouTube, etc. However, I only prefer to listen to native speakers where possible. I pay attention to the sounds that don't exist in English so I practise those more. The French 'r' really isn't that difficult for me anymore and I don't have to think so much when I read. I am VERY thankful French does not have the rolling r like in Spanish or Italian (or many other languages such as Russian, Indian, Middle-Eastern and African languages) because I have been trying to do that for so long and I don't think it's possible for me :(

French conversation practice - social networking for language learners

Social networking for language learners

I've recently joined the social networks Live Mocha, iTalki and Palabea but I've yet to talk to a real life French person!

Anyway, yesterday I met up with a friend (he's actually a friend of a friend, un ami d'une amie :) ) to practise my French. Now, he's just a Sydneysider like me so not a native speaker but he's been learning it on/off for many years and classifies himself at approximately C1 level of the Common European Framework of Reference for Languages (CEFR). At first I couldn't understand a thing he said because he was going too fast but also because of his Australian accent. I've only allowed myself to listen to native speakers' accents so it's hard to understand someone when they don't have it. I actually felt some sympathy and understanding of why, when people some have learnt British or American English (ESL) and come to Australia (even my parents!) and then realise they can't understand a thing anyone is saying!

I had heaps and heaps of fun. It helps that his job is actually a teacher (of high school students) so he is good at explaining things. Because, just because someone can speak a language, does not mean they can teach it!

I was having conversations like a 5 year old but meh, it was super fun and fantastique! It is really different speaking to a real life person as opposed to noone or a CD/MP3 soundtrack.

Meanwhile, I've finished Michel Thomas (boohoo) and the Teach Yourself French Starter Kit, and done up to Lesson 12 of Assmil!