Sometimes life is just really really really really fucked up. I am so pissed and angry and sad over something that has happened. However I cannot and will not tell anyone what it is. Not a single soul. This is just bloody ridiculous. I've been thinking about it over and over and over and over in my head for days and trying to make sense of it all... I don't know what to do now as it's something that's going to affect me for a long while yet, and it's just Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr so fucked up it's not funny.
The other assistant who lives down the corridor from me even asked if I was crying because I must've had a look of disappointment/sadness on my face.. I don't know.. I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. Part sadness, part anger. I've just been thinking too much which has no doubt added to my insomnia.
Sometimes, life is just not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like yelling and screaming but nothing comes out. I feel cold. I feel empty.
I'm sure if I told someone they'd probably say, "Oh I'm sorry to hear that... but just forget about it. It's not worth it" I can't just forget about it even if I try. It'd be impossible. It's just shit and fucked up. I know I'm not making any sense but it'll makes sense to me when I re-read this in a few months time (when, hopefully, I will be way way way over this 'thing'). But for fuck's sake, at the moment I feel like shit.
I could say, "I fucked up" (as per the header image) but the truth is, even if I went back in time and changed what happened the other result wouldn't have been great either. It was a case where I would either lose or lose. Nothing to gain. I can't say I made the wrong choice because it seemed like the right choice. If I went back in time I actually don't regret what happened at all.. but it's just stupid now... just some plain dumb stupid fucked up shit. STUPID STUPID STUPID.
I'm gonna try to have an early night for a change.
23 Jan: Actually the title is wrong. I did speak to someone (someone impartial and relatively anonymous on the internet) and in doing so verified my conclusions that I eventually came to when I saw the light. It wasn't me that fucked up, it was them. I almost wish I could spill the beans and get an outpouring of sympathy and support (or maybe not) but it's something best forgotton. As they say, Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
(image from here).